The 48 Laws of Power

Thursday, March 19th, 2009

I got this material from Christine Sevilla and from this site. It’s taken from a book of Greene and Elffers about Machiavellianism. It’s actually pretty interesting what they got here… a checklist to manipulate people without actually hurting them. I’ve seen a lot of previous leaders who have failed and have been toppled from powers because of violating one or multiple violations of the principles that have been mentioned. That, or they have no fucking idea how Machiavellianism works. I am a big fan of Machiavellianism but I will never use it to manipulate people to doing things that they will not be doing normally or for ill-bred interests. Anyway, back to the list. This is 48 and quite frankly this is a long read but this will take us to a checklist slash a running account of what we have to do to gain control of the situation and gain control of others… according to Niccolo Machiavelli.

Law 1: Never Outshine the Master

Always make those above you feel comfortably superior.  In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity.  Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power.

Law 2: Never put too Much Trust in Friends, Learn how to use Enemies

Be wary of friends-they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy.  They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove.  In fact, you have more to fear from friends than from enemies.  If you have no enemies, find a way to make them.

Law 3: Conceal your Intentions

Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions.  If they have no clue what you are up to, they cannot prepare a defense.  Guide them far enough down the wrong path, envelope them in enough smoke, and by the time they realize your intentions, it will be too late.

Law 4: Always Say Less than Necessary

When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control.  Even if you are saying something banal, it will seem original if you make it vague, open-ended, and sphinxlike.  Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less.  The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.

Law 5: So Much Depends on Reputation – Guard it with your Life

Reputation is the cornerstone of power.  Through reputation alone you can intimidate and win; once you slip, however, you are vulnerable, and will be attacked on all sides.  Make your reputation unassailable.  Always be alert to potential attacks and thwart them before they happen.  Meanwhile, learn to destroy your enemies by opening holes in their own reputations.  Then stand aside and let public opinion hang them.

Law 6: Court Attention at all Cost

Everything is judged by its appearance; what is unseen counts for nothing.  Never let yourself get lost in the crowd, then, or buried in oblivion.  Stand out.  Be conspicuous, at all cost.  Make yourself a magnet of attention by appearing larger, more colorful, more mysterious, than the bland and timid masses.

Law 7: Get others to do the Work for you, but Always Take the Credit

Use the wisdom, knowledge, and legwork of other people to further your own cause.  Not only will such assistance save you valuable time and energy, it will give you a godlike aura of efficiency and speed.  In the end your helpers will be forgotten and you will be remembered.  Never do yourself what others can do for you.

Law 8: Make other People come to you – use Bait if Necessary

When you force the other person to act, you are the one in control.  It is always better to make your opponent come to you, abandoning his own plans in the process.  Lure him with fabulous gains – then attack.  You hold the cards.

Law 9: Win through your Actions, Never through Argument

Any momentary triumph you think gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory:  The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion.  It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word.  Demonstrate, do not explicate.

Law 10: Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky

You can die from someone else’s misery – emotional states are as infectious as disease.  You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster.  The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you.  Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

Law 11: Learn to Keep People Dependent on You

To maintain your independence you must always be needed and wanted.  The more you are relied on, the more freedom you have.  Make people depend on you for their happiness and prosperity and you have nothing to fear.  Never teach them enough so that they can do without you.

Law 12: Use Selective Honesty and Generosity to Disarm your Victim

One sincere and honest move will cover over dozens of dishonest ones.  Open-hearted gestures of honesty and generosity bring down the guard of even the most suspicious people.  Once your selective honesty opens a hole in their armor, you can deceive and manipulate them at will.  A timely gift – a Trojan horse – will serve the same purpose.

Law 13: When Asking for Help, Appeal to People’s Self-Interest, Never to their Mercy or Gratitude

If you need to turn to an ally for help, do not bother to remind him of your past assistance and good deeds.  He will find a way to ignore you.  Instead, uncover something in your request, or in your alliance with him, that will benefit him, and emphasize it out of all proportion.  He will respond enthusiastically when he sees something to be gained for himself.

Law 14: Pose as a Friend, Work as a Spy

Knowing about your rival is critical.  Use spies to gather valuable information that will keep you a step ahead.  Better still: Play the spy yourself.  In polite social encounters, learn to probe.  Ask indirect questions to get people to reveal their weaknesses and intentions.  There is no occasion that is not an opportunity for artful spying.

Law 15: Crush your Enemy Totally

All great leaders since Moses have known that a feared enemy must be crushed completely.  (Sometimes they have learned this the hard way.)  If one ember is left alight, no matter how dimly it smolders, a fire will eventually break out.  More is lost through stopping halfway than through total annihilation:  The enemy will recover, and will seek revenge.  Crush him, not only in body but in spirit.

Law 16: Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor

Too much circulation makes the price go down:  The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear.  If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you more talked about, even more admired.  You must learn when to leave.  Create value through scarcity.

Law 17: Keep Others in Suspended Terror: Cultivate an Air of Unpredictability

Humans are creatures of habit with an insatiable need to see familiarity in other people’s actions.  Your predictability gives them a sense of control.  Turn the tables: Be deliberately unpredictable.  Behavior that seems to have no consistency or purpose will keep them off-balance, and they will wear themselves out trying to explain your moves.  Taken to an extreme, this strategy can intimidate and terrorize.

Law 18: Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself – Isolation is Dangerous

The world is dangerous and enemies are everywhere – everyone has to protect themselves.  A fortress seems the safest. But isolation exposes you to more dangers than it protects you from – it cuts you off from valuable information, it makes you conspicuous and an easy target.  Better to circulate among people find allies, mingle.  You are shielded from your enemies by the crowd.

Law 19: Know Who You’re Dealing with – Do Not Offend the Wrong Person

There are many different kinds of people in the world, and you can never assume that everyone will react to your strategies in the same way.  Deceive or outmaneuver some people and they will spend the rest of their lives seeking revenge.  They are wolves in lambs’ clothing.  Choose your victims and opponents carefully, then – never offend or deceive the wrong person.

Law 20: Do Not Commit to Anyone

It is the fool who always rushes to take sides.  Do not commit to any side or cause but yourself.  By maintaining your independence, you become the master of others – playing people against one another, making them pursue you.

Law 21: Play a Sucker to Catch a Sucker – Seem Dumber than your Mark

No one likes feeling stupider than the next persons.  The trick, is to make your victims feel smart – and not just smart, but smarter than you are.  Once convinced of this, they will never suspect that you may have ulterior motives.

Law 22: Use the Surrender Tactic: Transform Weakness into Power

When you are weaker, never fight for honor’s sake; choose surrender instead.  Surrender gives you time to recover, time to torment and irritate your conqueror, time to wait for his power to wane.  Do not give him the satisfaction of fighting and defeating you – surrender first.  By turning the other check you infuriate and unsettle him.  Make surrender a tool of power.

Law 23: Concentrate Your Forces

Conserve your forces and energies by keeping them concentrated at their strongest point.  You gain more by finding a rich mine and mining it deeper, than by flitting from one shallow mine to another – intensity defeats extensity every time.  When looking for sources of power to elevate you, find the one key patron, the fat cow who will give you milk for a long time to come.

Law 24: Play the Perfect Courtier

The perfect courtier thrives in a world where everything revolves around power and political dexterity.  He has mastered the art of indirection; he flatters, yields to superiors, and asserts power over others in the mot oblique and graceful manner.  Learn and apply the laws of courtiership and there will be no limit to how far you can rise in the court.

Law 25: Re-Create Yourself

Do not accept the roles that society foists on you.  Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience.  Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define if for you.  Incorporate dramatic devices into your public gestures and actions – your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than life.

Law 26: Keep Your Hands Clean

You must seem a paragon of civility and efficiency: Your hands are never soiled by mistakes and nasty deeds.  Maintain such a spotless appearance by using others as scapegoats and cat’s-paws to disguise your involvement.

Law 27: Play on People’s Need to Believe to Create a Cultlike Following

People have an overwhelming desire to believe in something.  Become the focal point of such desire by offering them a cause, a new faith to follow.  Keep your words vague but full of promise; emphasize enthusiasm over rationality and clear thinking.  Give your new disciples rituals to perform, ask them to make sacrifices on your behalf.  In the absence of organized religion and grand causes, your new belief system will bring you untold power.

Law 28: Enter Action with Boldness

If you are unsure of a course of action, do not attempt it.  Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution.  Timidity is dangerous:  Better to enter with boldness.  Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity.  Everyone admires the bold; no one honors the timid.

Law 29: Plan All the Way to the End

The ending is everything.  Plan all the way to it, taking into account all the possible consequences, obstacles, and twists of fortune that might reverse your hard work and give the glory to others.  By planning to the end you will not be overwhelmed by circumstances and you will know when to stop.  Gently guide fortune and help determine the future by thinking far ahead.

Law 30: Make your Accomplishments Seem Effortless

Your actions must seem natural and executed with ease.  All the toil and practice that go into them, and also all the clever tricks, must be concealed.  When you act, act effortlessly, as if you could do much more.  Avoid the temptation of revealing how hard you work – it only raises questions.  Teach no one your tricks or they will be used against you.

Law 31: Control the Options: Get Others to Play with the Cards you Deal

The best deceptions are the ones that seem to give the other person a choice:  Your victims feel they are in control, but are actually your puppets.  Give people options that come out in your favor whichever one they choose.  Force them to make choices between the lesser of two evils, both of which serve your purpose.  Put them on the horns of a dilemma:  They are gored wherever they turn.

Law 32: Play to People’s Fantasies

The truth is often avoided because it is ugly and unpleasant.  Never appeal to truth and reality unless you are prepared for the anger that comes for disenchantment.  Life is so harsh and distressing that people who can manufacture romance or conjure up fantasy are like oases in the desert:  Everyone flocks to them. There is great power in tapping into the fantasies of the masses.

Law 33: Discover Each Man’s Thumbscrew

Everyone has a weakness, a gap in the castle wall.  That weakness is usual y an insecurity, an uncontrollable emotion or need; it can also be a small secret pleasure.  Either way, once found, it is a thumbscrew you can turn to your advantage.

Law 34: Be Royal in your Own Fashion:  Act like a King to be treated like one

The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated; In the long run, appearing vulgar or common will make people disrespect you.  For a king respects himself and inspires the same sentiment in others.  By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make yourself seem destined to wear a crown.

Law 35: Master the Art of Timing

Never seem to be in a hurry – hurrying betrays a lack of control over yourself, and over time.  Always seem patient, as if you know that everything will come to you eventually.  Become a detective of the right moment; sniff out the spirit of the times, the trends that will carry you to power.  Learn to stand back when the time is not yet ripe, and to strike fiercely when it has reached fruition.

Law 36: Disdain Things you cannot have:  Ignoring them is the best Revenge

By acknowledging a petty problem you give it existence and credibility.  The more attention you pay an enemy, the stronger you make him; and a small mistake is often made worse and more visible when you try to fix it.  It is sometimes best to leave things alone.  If there is something you want but cannot have, show contempt for it.  The less interest you reveal, the more superior you seem.

Law 37: Create Compelling Spectacles

Striking imagery and grand symbolic gestures create the aura of power – everyone responds to them.  Stage spectacles for those around you, then full of arresting visuals and radiant symbols that heighten your presence.  Dazzled by appearances, no one will notice what you are really doing.

Law 38: Think as you like but Behave like others

If you make a show of going against the times, flaunting your unconventional ideas and unorthodox ways, people will think that you only want attention and that you look down upon them.  They will find a way to punish you for making them feel inferior.  It is far safer to blend in and nurture the common touch. Share your originality only with tolerant friends and those who are sure to appreciate your uniqueness.

Law 39: Stir up Waters to Catch Fish

Anger and emotion are strategically counterproductive.  You must always stay calm and objective.  But if you can make your enemies angry while staying calm yourself, you gain a decided advantage.  Put your enemies off-balance: Find the chink in their vanity through which you can rattle them and you hold the strings.

Law 40: Despise the Free Lunch

What is offered for free is dangerous – it usually involves either a trick or a hidden obligation.  What has worth is worth paying for.  By paying your own way you stay clear of gratitude, guilt, and deceit.  It is also often wise to pay the full price – there is no cutting corners with excellence.  Be lavish with your money and keep it circulating, for generosity is a sign and a magnet for power.

Law 41: Avoid Stepping into a Great Man’s Shoes

What happens first always appears better and more original than what comes after.  If you succeed a great man or have a famous parent, you will have to accomplish double their achievements to outshine them.  Do not get lost in their shadow, or stuck in a past not of your own making:  Establish your own name and identity by changing course.  Slay the overbearing father, disparage his legacy, and gain power by shining in your own way.

Law 42: Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep will Scatter

Trouble can often be traced to a single strong individual – the stirrer, the arrogant underling, the poisoned of goodwill.  If you allow such people room to operate, others will succumb to their influence.  Do not wait for the troubles they cause to multiply, do not try to negotiate with them – they are irredeemable.  Neutralize their influence by isolating or banishing them.  Strike at the source of the trouble and the sheep will scatter.

Law 43: Work on the Hearts and Minds of Others

Coercion creates a reaction that will eventually work against you.  You must seduce others into wanting to move in your direction.  A person you have seduced becomes your loyal pawn.  And the way to seduce others is to operate on their individual psychologies and weaknesses.  Soften up the resistant by working on their emotions, playing on what they hold dear and what they fear.  Ignore the hearts and minds of others and they will grow to hate you.

Law 44: Disarm and Infuriate with the Mirror Effect

The mirror reflects reality, but it is also the perfect tool for deception: When you mirror your enemies, doing exactly as they do, they cannot figure out your strategy.  The Mirror Effect mocks and humiliates them, making them overreact.  By holding up a mirror to their psyches, you seduce them with the illusion that you share their values; by holding up a mirror to their actions, you teach them a lesson.  Few can resist the power of Mirror Effect.

Law 45: Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform too much at Once

Everyone understands the need for change in the abstract, but on the day-to-day level people are creatures of habit.  Too much innovation is traumatic, and will lead to revolt.  If you are new to a position of power, or an outsider trying to build a power base, make a show of respecting the old way of doing things.  If change is necessary, make it feel like a gentle improvement on the past.

Law 46: Never appear too Perfect

Appearing better than others is always dangerous, but most dangerous of all is to appear to have no faults or weaknesses.  Envy creates silent enemies.  It is smart to occasionally display defects, and admit to harmless vices, in order to deflect envy and appear more human and approachable.  Only gods and the dead can seem perfect with impunity.

Law 47: Do not go Past the Mark you Aimed for; In Victory, Learn when to Stop

The moment of victory is often the moment of greatest peril.  In the heat of victory, arrogance and overconfidence can push you past the goal you had aimed for, and by going too far, you make more enemies than you defeat.  Do not allow success to go to your head.  There is no substitute for strategy and careful planning.  Set a goal, and when you reach it, stop.

Law 48: Assume Formlessness

By taking a shape, by having a visible plan, you open yourself to attack.  Instead of taking a form for your enemy to grasp, keep yourself adaptable and on the move.  Accept the fact that nothing is certain and no law is fixed.  The best way to protect yourself is to be as fluid and formless as water; never bet on stability or lasting order.  Everything changes.

March Madness

Friday, March 6th, 2009

It’s already March… the vacation is fast approaching, the heat is on.

So are the finals of the students of the semestral schools. I’ve been kept out of touch with all of the things going on around me but I did realize that it was most of the students’ hell weeks because I saw my brother studying for a barrage of subjects in which he stated to me that they had exams for. A lot of friends from other schools are also very, very busy with their theses, projects and what-nots. Back at DLSU, it’s fast approaching the 10th week and I’m stuck at the status quo — what a boring life. By the way, what’s up with another student getting hit by a car in the Ateneo school grounds? That’s not a good way to start the month. Luckily, the victim only suffered wounds. And also I hope that Amiel Alcantara will RIP. It was such an unfortunate event.

The heat is on. I’ve been hating someone from my OJT work for the past month now. She is the perfect co-employee to hate and diss. Way to start my co-employee relations. However, I don’t hate her because she’s bossy and pushy and such; I hate her because she is so incompetent. To be honest with, I don’t know how she ended up in Ortigas as a personal assistant working under directly under a company president. I don’t know how she even got considered. Call me insecure if you would wish to but I am already fed up of saving her ass everytime the company president lashes at her for her silly mistakes. There’s this example where she accidentally injured an American colleague of our president when she accidentally sandwiched the guy’s finger in a company van’s door. Of course, seeing that I am a new and accommodating face, she comes rampaging into my cubicle and asks me to write a memo via the order of the president (for her to do in the first place) because of her stupidity. I’ve saved her ass a lot of times and I’m fed up with it. I get caught up in a lot of situations which I shouldn’t be in the first place — all because of this good officemate of mine. She has a wide, wide range of skills. She doesn’t even know how to retrieve sent mail in the email account. I had to teach her everything because she was calling me from my desk. I calculated the shipping cost problems of the company’s shipments. That was assigned to her. I had to make the business letters which was supposed to be her job alongside while I was doing research. And she was demanding me one time to prioritize hers (I mean MY) first because the thing that she handed to me was urgent.

Oh wait, didn’t I say she was not pushy? I am taking that back. I forgot to tell that she’s my mom’s cousin but oh I don’t give a flying fuck. One time, She asked me to a task (WHAT’S NEW?) to again, save her ass, because she had no idea of how to do this task on hand. Okay, I tried doing the task. But I spotted and questioned her for some errors that she made which I later corrected anyway. But I really didn’t like how she bluntly said to me that I should just shut up and do my thing (O sige na tumahimik ka na, gawin mo na lang yan para di ako mapagalitan ni bossing) so that she can continue working. I don’t really mind if you don’t say thank you because I don’t give a crap but at least make your request as respectable as you can. Her incompetence runs deep even to her people skills. She also has this annoying habit of calling my mom while I am at work. It really distracts me because my mom’s getting an unwarranted live feed of what I’m doing in the office — she calls when I’m turned on my back and have no knowledge. When I get at home, I get scolded for the littlest things I did like eat an extra rice because I was super hungry like one time that I got scolded for slacking in the office — which is pure hot crass. If she only knew that I was resting because at that time, I just finished a task that one of the managers asked me to do. Sometimes she just calls my mom because she’s bored and she just wants to talk to her for some… i don’t know, showbiz news? Basing on her personality, it wouldn’t be too far-fetched. But when the caller speaks in English, she instantly chickens out and comes running at me like Marathon. March Madness… nothing to do with the NCAA Tournament frenzy during the month of March but really all to do with my mind that’s about to blow because of co-worker relationship problems at work.

I would like to rat her off to the company President or to any of the managers because simply put, I don’t like her, but we could make a good episode of The Office, featuring the things that you shouldn’t ever do in co-employee relations. She would be the jerk bully with no bite and I will be the pissed-off employee because of her nonsensical antics. Despite all of her deficiencies and incompetencies, she still is of some value. She made me believe in the saying that every person has a use in this world. Okay, shush…

Enough of the hating. A little bit of deeper and more pleasant talk. Dad’s here again from Saudi and it’s a big yay for us. Mom told me that he’s applying for a new job and this time it’s nearer… in Singapore. Heard he’s going for a mid to high-level position in some engineering firms there. He’s scheduled for interview. He’s also entertained some openings in Dubai, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Korea but I hope he gets accepted in Singapore so that I can visit him in September and we can both watch the Singapore Grand Prix in the same month too. It would be great if I can watch my first live F1 Grand Prix with Dad. Once again, we are a happy family but that’s just for so long because my dad is going overseas once again in just a matter of time. I wish I could travel like him. I wish I could get away from my pathetic officemate. I feel like I’m going to be mad everytime this officemate smirks at me.

Special shoutout to the women: Wishing you all a blessed and happy women’s month.

After a long time.

Saturday, February 28th, 2009

After a long time, I am back in this space. I intentionally did not pay my dues with my previous web hosting company because I could not contact them. I did not want to pay ghost income to a company that does not show up to their customers even through text or emails. Not really my loss but they kept me guessing. I just decided not to pay my bill once and for all. Yeah, I’m a jerk. I also realized that I need not more to buy anymore web hosting plans because I have already realized that it is an utter waste of money for me. Plus, there are a lot of free blogging services out in the Triple W that can accommodate me if I just really wanted to write down what I want to write. I just decided to come back here because I miss this space and because I’ve grown tired of Wordpress but I really wouldn’t bother to switch to other platforms like Xanga, Blogger or LiveJournal because they don’t appeal to me that much. But i.ph was witness to the first torrent of bullshit and nonsense that I wrote in the Web. Anyway, that is done and over with and I am happy to be back here.

Much has happened between the months from the date that I last tried to compose content and zoom to today. I’m one term away from graduation and I really, really hope that I don’t foil this chance because the repercussions of not nailing it this term is going to be humiliating. I’ve only got three remaining subjects… one of them is my practicum. Doing it, and doing it everyday. I got into this firm in Ortigas. I don’t much love the work that I do there, but I have no choice. I may have lied to one of my office mates there when I told her that I love what I’m doing in the office — making economic-related articles, doing book reviews of books related to the economics of their company. It’s challenging but it also wears and bores me out at times. To be honest with, I can already see myself working there although I still have a dilemma because I really want a better job that I will love.

Another thing: I am able to use the knowhow that my school injected in my mind in this practicum work; however I do not love it at all. Nevermind that they won’t allow downloading or chatting in their company. I can live with that. I just want a job where I can use my talent and that I’ll love. At the back of mind, I wish I had found another practicum work. Sometimes, I think that I’m better off being a corporate slave. There are some advantages, I’ll give that. Being situated in Ortigas and with no IT restrictions, I can download all of the stuff I want to download during free time. I guess that’s their philosophy of making workers inside the office happy. That is something tangible, but I want more.

After a long time, I already know what I want. I want to be happy with what I do. Of course the wage is also a factor because I want to earn a sum of money; but I want to do something that I have a passion with, something that I can be proud with.

The theory of positivity and being the change that you want to see

Tuesday, December 16th, 2008

When I arrived home at around 6 pm, I was feeling really down and sad from what’s been happening around me. It’s now 11:25 as I am writing this piece and I’m back to being positive again with my outlook in life. What a difference 5 hours makes.

All it took to change my perspective a total 180 degrees was just a pep talk with Nikki. She gave me tons of advice with how to look at life and love. This is going to be long.

Why am I feeling so negative and down anyway? No, I’m not really failing a subject yet (maybe I will on Thursday) or getting dumped by a girl (well almost, you can already call it parallel to a dumping) but I was just really feeling down earlier for no reason at all. I feel that I’ve lost my sense of myself and I’m having a hard time finding it. I feel like lost and used in the vicious cycle of living life in the fast lane. I’ve been expecting too much, especially with love when in fact I don’t really have a right to expect — which is ironic because I’ve always believed in the adage that love comes to you and you do not find it because you will just end up frustrated and disappointed.

Then it all unraveled. Told her that I feel like I’m 35 even though I’m 20 because of rushing things. I really have a tendency to do that. I want to do things with a snap to an extent that I overly hasten up some things that should be taken in slowly because they are delicate processes that one person needs to undergo. She went on lecturing on me like this and like that but the common thing that she told me is SLOW THINGS DOWN and enjoy every moment of your life. She was telling it to my face — a face that badly needed a bitch slap because it already lost cognizance of itself. She provided me a quick bitch slap that leveled me and my expectations with the ground.

You need to know yourself before engaging yourself in a [romantic] relationship, she tells as she continues to narrate and impart her lessons to this student that was on the other end of a computer portal. She hits me with another combo when she told me that I don’t even know who I really am and it’s only apt that I fully know myself inside-out, including what I can do and what I can’t, before I engage with a relationship with another person. She continues by saying that I wouldn’t survive a relationship if I didn’t know myself. Ouch. What a perfect hit. 20 years and I still haven’t fully known myself. I still keep saying or doing the things that I really cannot do. It’s not really like I don’t know what I can do — it’s the part that I don’t fully have a grasp of what I cannot do. This lack of grasp of what I cannot do turns into a bunch of lies engorged in saliva that I deliver to even my friends and the people I consider dear to me. I know, that’s not an excuse for lying.

More slaps to the face, more, more more. She poured it on like hot milk. She tells that I need to be secure with myself before I start looking out for the others, as part of the process of knowing myself. I might just end up hurting girls or worse, get hurt. She goes on narrating that relationships of the lack thereof won’t determine who are you as a person. The quality of the relationship is more important than the relationship itself and I so agree with her. Hastening it up will decrease the quality of the experience and thus it will be deemed as unworthy of an experience. She opened me to the window of thought that I should learn to enjoy myself first before I come and look for enjoyment in others. She’s exactly right, really. I can’t enjoy the company of other without fully realizing how enjoying it is to be myself and with myself. I myself will be the only one to determine when I’m really feeling good with myself or when I’m already ready to take that next step into a new relationship.

As Nikki says, “you need to realize that you’re great on your own”. Part of that realization process is knowing myself. I can’t know how things will be great for me if I don’t know who I really am. Sometimes I am tired of lying to myself. Why am I doing this? I’m not really impressing anyone. Most of the times that I try, the real me re-appears. Sometimes they like it, sometimes they don’t. She tells me to explore more opportunities that are out there. That means valuing friends and family. While lovers may come and go, the friends and the family are a strong set. I realized this as part of her litany (LOL), especially the family. I have a long ways to go with this as I don’t really find myself great on my own. Really long ways. I still feel greatly uncomfortable of myself. But hopefully I will reach that wherein I’m fully secure of myself and what are my limits. There are a lot of advantages to being great on your own, she continues. She tells that she doesn’t feel restricted at all and she doesn’t feel oh-too-sensitive and guilty when she feels like she’s compromising something. She has the freedom to move and she’s very happy with it. And here I am, with that freedom waiting to be explored and capitalized, me insisting to be locked in a prospect relationship which I have no idea of how long and how fruitful will it become or if will it even become formal.

She stressed the importance of two words: ME and TODAY all along. Another bulls-eye for Nikki. She’s collecting bulls-eye after bulls-eye like a sharpshooter. I’ve always been problematic with the future and the things that I can’t control. This is something that I often do with love. I expect too much (and I set the bar pretty high) even though the other party is expecting nothing or really has no plans of meeting my expectations. I like meddling with things that I have no direct control with when all along there is this myself that destiny I could control and try to mold. Sometimes I really can’t help expecting much with love. Case in point, this last girl who is my friend. She’s been mentioned in my last two write-ups. Well I told her my feelings and I expected too much from her. I expected her to like me too in a snap. I expected her to like me back in a snap. I did not consider the fact that he was madly in love with another guy. I thought that her pandemonium over him would be over in a snap. But no. I am wrong. I’ve been burned. This is what I get for expecting too much. I keep on telling her that I’m not forcing the issue to her but the thing is, I’m lying. I’m forcing things, I just don’t admit it. She doesn’t like me and she probably wouldn’t in her lifetime. How many times have I been rejected by her yet I keep coming back. And how many times have I wrote it in this site alone? Probably this will be the last time — just to put closure to this hullabaloo and illusion that I created for myself.

And then she shows me this site which generally shows about being great with yourself. I am completely struck with the comparisons. How good could the story from the site get. I’ll probably look at it everytime I feel insecure about feeling great with myself. That really encapsulates everything that you need to do before I even bother to look outside the box and look for more relationships. That also means that I can do it if the hapless slice of pie can do what it did in the story. I just have to be sincere with myself and everything will turn out fine. Another mistake that she exposed is my notion that it’s generally happier being in a relationship than being single. It really depends on the person. She continues pressing the keyboard and sharing much-needed nuggets to me. I continue to be the student that I am and I continue to listen to her, the master. Relationships just come when you are formally ready — when you’ve passed the requirements and the acid tests. When you already have enough maturity — which I certainly, certainly don’t have right now.

She continues with the chit-chat. It gets interesting. She says that I should get a dog if I really wanted to test myself in a relationship. Dogs are considered man’s best friend so probably she thinks that it’s the closest thing that I will get as a substitute for a human being. Turns out that she has a point for trying to ask me to get a dog. Wisdom at its finest. For me, this was the most defining statement that she made in the entire chat conversation.

Tignan mo kung kaya mong alagaan. Kung inaakala mong mapupunuan ng ibang tao yung kulang na nararamdaman mo, nagkakamali ka. Ikaw lang ang makakagawa non.

Well, she again reiterates for a second time that I should need to slow down, adding that she’s frustrated and pissed off with people who are overly zealous of hastening up things. Well maybe she’d hate me too if she really knew how I wanted things fast. Then she pulls out something from her Multiply site about not missing the best parts of the ride. She also preaches the same — slow down and don’t miss the best parts of the ride. She doesn’t really mean that I should slow down to a point that I’m that close to grinding to a halt. It’s like taking the scenic route and enjoying it enough. She points out that we’re still both young and we need not really rush things. We’re just a bunch of persons who are in their early twenties and we still have a lot of times. She strongly emphasizes — IT WILL COME WHEN THE TIME COMES.

Then we shifted to the future and negative thoughts. She says: There’s nothing about thinking about the future but if your future thoughts are clouded with negativity, you should stop thinking about it and the more that you should stop feeding more negativity. This was her response to my negative approach and my self-incriminating nature. She said that this line of thinking will not help in building oneself, which is very true. And she also has a thing to tell about the wanting to do or plainly just doing the things that you wanted to do.

Don’t say you need to get back on track. Say that you are getting back on track. “I need, I will”. “I am”. Ang laking difference.

And then some jokes were exchanged. Would it really be a good conversation without the exchange of jokes and some pick-ups? Jokes and banters aside, It was the perfect conversation that’s worth saving and looking at because of the many realizations that I gathered. She shares that she was also like a mirror of what I am now — always rushing, always trying to fit in, and always wishing to be with someone. But soon she got it out of her system and she realized that there’s more to those things and she just needed to be with herself for the moment. She also talks about destiny, the shit that she’s been through in comparison to the rut that I’m going through right now and a couple of more topics.

Nikki was talking here and there about these things but she sent a message across: Don’t be overzealous or force yourself to be in that next big thing, most especially in trying to get in that next relationship. All along I’ve been very guilty of this. I’ve been like, “I like you so I expect you to like me back too” which is ambitious and hasty. Is it really the nature of men to try to speed up things? I don’t know. What I do know about it is that it’s my nature and I need to quickly change before I do unspeakable damage to myself. Fools rush in but if you feel good about yourself, they won’t be a problem — you won’t have a problem she says.

I learned a lot from the chit-chat we made. Even though that was short (because she had to leave for her DVD marathon), she surely imparted a lot of very great insights about my outlook about life. I’m really feeling very nice now. It helps because it’s already Christmas Vacation and I have all the reason to feel good. She stressed a lot of important things — things that are key for [my] personal happiness. But the most important bullet point that I got from her checklist is enjoying and feeling great about yourself today. That bridges the ME and TODAY that she strongly emphasized throughout the duration of our chat. As the year is about to end and 2009 is about to start, my primary checklist will be to slow things down and take time to enjoy being myself and being with myself. But to reach there, I have a lot of self-realization to do. Where am I really? I want to be happy. I should start being the change that I want to see.

• Stop rushing things too much and enjoy.
• Don’t expect too much.
• Stop thinking about the future if your thoughts are clouded with negativity.
• Feel great about yourself.

But it had to start somewhere.

It’s really a good thing that I opened up that IM window to talk with her.

What a difference five fucking hours makes.

Love advices from Bob Ong:

Thursday, October 23rd, 2008

Reposted from Eunika Fernando’s Multiply:

Love Quotes at Kung Anu-Ano Pa by Bob Ong
1. “Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya..”

2. “Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba.”

3. “Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang.”

4. “Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na.”

5. “Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin.”

6. “Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din.”

7. “Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang.”

8. “Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa.”

9. “Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang.”

10. “Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una.”

11. “Hindi porke’t madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa.”

12. “Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o gwapoo. Totoong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka.”

13. “Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority.”

14. “Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya.”

15. “Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo.”

16. “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala”

17. “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan”

18. “Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!”

19. “Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal…nakakatakot mahulog…at kapag nahulog ka, it’s either by accident or talagang tanga ka..”