your bestfriend is not your girlfriend.

that line in the title is taken from the song of blink 182 entitled “it hurts”. man, it hurts so bad to be in my position right now lovelife-wise.

it exactly relates to my present experience right now of seeing the girl that will make me happy being just one of my closest friends. it’s not really that bad but i really want to make it with her to the next level. it’s that feeling that i want to be her everytime. i should have known better not to fall for her but man, what can a poor soul do when he finds affection and love from another person? i’d be a fucking jerk to deny it.

this isn’t really my first time to admit my feelings for her. this is the second time, actually. the first time around, the road was wide open for me to take and i diverted to a longer and more fucked up road only to see the straight road occupied with a new person now. meaning, i did not take the chance when the feeling was mutual. it makes me want to bang my head now. looking back, that was one of the most stupid decisions that i have ever made in my entire life. i tried several attempts to give a shot at my second chance. we talked heart-to-heart, sent messages, exchanged what we feel, but in the end, it’s really not meant to be. yes folks, the second journey back is a complete failure.

if only i could turn back time. if only wrong decisions can be corrected now. screw it. enough of the excuses and what-ifs, she’s not going into my way. not a single chance.

it really kills me everytime i remember the chances that i wasted and now seeing him liking another guy and dumping me off of anymore chances. i don’t blame her anyway, it’s all my fault. i diverted from the course when the road to the goal was just a straight line ahead. i doubted my feelings. i castigated all that we had going, and i’m paying the price. dearly. just hearing her going with her new-found happiness breaks my heart everytime. but what can i do? ah, i’ll just regret and imagine that i am that new-found guy in which she finds happiness in.

screw it. i’m sleeping this off. maybe i’ll forget her when i wake up sometime later. or maybe i’ll plurk just some more.

for now, i’ll just believe once more in the adage that goes “there is someone better for you our there” until i find that better one.